Still Life Moving Fast

Me Myself and I

2009-04-12T21:59:00.003-04:00

Since nobody reads this blog I might as well treat it as a personal, albeit not private, diary. Or, as grown ups say, 'Journal'.
This is an entry about me, for me, dedicated to me.
It is about me shopping on Tuesday, finding a relatively cheap produce store for most of the fruits and vegetables I needed. It is about me running to the kosher supermarket for meat and fish and kosher le'Pesach salt and all those small things that make up a meal, spending $184 and consoling myself with the fact that other shoppers had many more things in their carts and were probably spending a minimum of $500, easy.
It's about me carefully selecting wine glasses, checking out various stores for the past few weeks, finally settling on a glass that turned out to be too big. Had I bought champagne flutes people would have complained all the same.

About my paycheck that finally arrives after two months and cannot be deposited because it has the wrong name on it.

This is about me standing and cooking all Wednesday, preparing for three guests, one of whom has antisocial habits such as not eating when everybody else does, this despite that the majority of Jewish socializing happens over food.

This is about relatives by marriage telling you not to buy pots for Pesach because they have so many extra ones you can borrow, but once you pick them up you are told to scrub them with Brillo pads after every single use, which you faithfully do despite all the burning cuts on your fingers from your new knives, afraid to be considered a bad DIL.

This is about my daughter, not a baby, not a toddler, sucking every ounce of strength out of me, depsite her sweetness and lovability, despite her precocious multilingual vocabulary, despite her deliciousness.
This is me wanting to lose weight, something I never had to worry about before.

This is me at 10:00 PM on a Sunday night with a screaming 20 month old on my lap.

Colorful World

2009-02-24T12:18:00.003-05:00

I am sick and tired of the black, brown, maybe a hint of camel all around me. Why are frum people afraid of color? I'm not saying you should wear a red dress or fuchsia shoes (do me a favor and no not wear fuchsia shoes) but live a little, the current status is so depressing.

Count your black tops then go out and buy shirts and sweaters of different colors. Pastel colors, bright colors, happy colors. Check your coat inventory, keep one black one and put the rest on ebay, then buy one that's light blue, or white, or teal, or whatever catches your fancy.

Shoes - just because it's winter it doesn't mean you have to be in a black shoe rut. Get some light boots, colored flats, whatever floats your boat.

Handbags - boring, get a red, a blue, a green, a white, do something!

There now, doesn't that feel so much better? The next step is red kitchen appliances!

Why Are Republicans So Condescending?

2008-10-08T10:04:00.003-04:00

Is it a requirement of the party? Did you see how McCain spoke at last night's debate, beginning with the first question? He sounded like a creepy, conniving grandfather nobody likes, using words like 'goodies' and condescending to the poor questioner.
How did he make it this far? I can't bear listening to him. Do Americans want to be grandfathered that way? Are they this stupid? I refuse to believe it.

"Well, my friends, you see, Barack Obama is an evil guy, as evidenced by my campaign's twisting of his words and chopping of his sentences, whereas I have lots of goodies for you as my record shows."

Yeah, old man, not in my lifetime.

Finally, something to agree upon ...

2008-09-28T22:16:00.003-04:00

... and it's political. Bizarre, I tell you ...

'Hating' on the Heimish

2008-08-31T13:14:00.005-04:00

I was the type of person who always defended chassidim when I heard something negative about them

Until I moved in with them.

I live next to a highly chassidish area and some live in my building. Heck, I even have more than a few relatives among them. All in all they are quiet family people, the women say hello (after looking you up and down and noticing how different you are), the kids ride their bikes and the Mexicans mow their lawns.

My problem is with the men. I get really incensed when I think of the able bodied men who do NOT hold the door open for me when they clearly see me coming toward it with a 17 lb baby and 5 shopping bags. The men who are my neighbors yet have never responded to my 'hello', so I've just given up. The man who didn't warn me my headlights were off at 7 pm on a winter night because when I noticed him trying to talk to me I turned and he saw I was a woman and he made a dismissive gesture and turned away. The hitchiking men who lower their thumbs when they see the driver is a woman (ok, I don't mind that one, I'm not planning on giving them a ride). The men who condemn their women to a life of shlepping a newborn and three toddlers in and out of car-seatless taxicabs.

This is not mentchlichkeit, nor is it yiddishkeit.

I'm sure many of these people are fine husbands, gentle fathers, honest men. But they don't get points from Miss Manners.

Purges

2008-08-10T15:27:00.002-04:00

I had plans to throughly scrub the bathrooms as well as part of the fridge but I am unsurprisingly too weak for the aforementioned chores. I think I will purge my closet instead. Closer to 30 than 20 (gasp!) , I have finally come to realize that my wardrobe requires a major makeover, which I am trying to achieve by sneaking in new clothes one sale at a time.

I wonder what to do with the old clothes. Some can go straight to a g'mach or Goodwill, but others need to make some money back for their loyal owner. I haven't had much luck with eBay or luach.com. Yard Sale? Maybe. But if that means I'd have to dry clean dozens of sweaters, I'd rather just give them away.

Crocs

2008-08-10T15:26:00.001-04:00

Should not be worn by anyone. Ever.

Road Rage

2008-06-24T14:00:00.003-04:00

Monsey wasn't built for non-driving women. There just aren't enough sidewalks, and mothers with strollers inevitable end up walking on the street. What really pissed me off though was when THREE women with strollers (one of which was a DOUBLE stroller) were walking side by side in suits and sneakers, chatting yentishly and taking up half of the right lane which I was driving on. I had to wait for the oncoming car on the left lane to pass by, then borrow that lane for a couple of seconds. I honked and and made a hand gesture trying to convey 'Have some brains and walk single file on the SIDEWALK which is right across the street from you, if you want to talk go home and pick up the phone!'

You know, I like to walk if I'm wearing the right shoes and as a former city girl I miss walking everywhere but this is not the freakin' city and while there are things I can tolerate, I will not tolerate this non-driving edict these people have, it makes zero sense and causes who knows how many heart attacks, what with the horrible Monsey drivers and their wives who are forced to march in middle of the road.

Brown Food

2008-05-15T17:40:00.003-04:00

So these people we know renovated their house (read: enlarged it :500) and built a state of the art kitchen with industrial six burner stove, sub-zero fridge, fancy coffee machine, built-in rotisserie, you name it, they've got it. Imagine my disappointment when we were invited for a Shabbos meal and all that beauty churned out... you guessed it... brown food! Oh brown food, how I loath thee, and WHAT A WASTE of a gorgeous kitchen. Give me, give me your kitchen.

(Let's not forget the wonderful bar complete with huge wine rack and cooler, serving... yes, sweet wines... at least it wasn't Kedem!)

A Dose of Israel

2008-05-07T08:38:00.003-04:00

Having stayed away from Israel for a few years, after having spent over 5 years there, I hadn't realize how much about it I'd forgotten until I very recently had the opportunity to stay there for ten days or so. The Israel I was familiar and now reacquianted myself with is not the Israel of spacious Rechavia apartments, smug American youth, inspiring Carlebach minyanim. No, my Israel was one of filthy toddlers pulling on your shirt from antebellum strollers in unsanitary Bnei Brak grocery stores, dropping off unwanted clothing at a gemach in Tzfat and seeing the young mothers with 5 children desperate for a 'new' outfit, the Israel of elderly Russians who in ten or fifteen years have not learned one word of Hebrew, the Israel which chutznikim don't always see or even look for.

It hit me in the face, I had forgotten all about it. The cab driver who has never been out of the country and doesn't feel the pull, does not understand why so many Israelis travel. 'This is home' he says, 'I don't need a different place'. Ma Yesh be' America she ein kan?' What does America have that we don't? He naively expounds. 'Same thing here or there'. If i were to travel I would go to Thailand, my friends tell me people wash clothes in the river, they live in huts, like Israel 50 years ago. What do I need America for. Europe, I am not interested in either. I hear they look at you the wrong way. The French, I don't need them. (I tell him there are many different countries in Europe. He doesn't want to hear). 'But Greece' he tells me, 'Greece is beautiful (how would he know?) I like Greek music, I could listen to it 24 hours day, no problem (I refrain from informing him about Greek antisemitism, or that Greece is in Europe)'. 'This is home', he concludes.

In Bnei Brak, every single car stopped to let me cross the street with the stroller, something that never happens when I try to cross Monsey parking lots. In the makolet, I realized how Americanized I've become when It took me a few seconds to figure out I had to grab a bag myself from a stack hanging off a random shelf.

In Geulah, I had to contend with an Israeli floor shower, indistinguishable from the rest of the minuscule bathroom but for the drain.

I remembered.

More Commercialism

2008-04-09T20:02:00.004-04:00

Why is it that Kosher supermarkets in Monsey lay out the Purim goods (isn't it a shame that Purim is all about miles of junk food?) on Rosh Chodesh Adar Aleph? You heard me, I said Aleph.
And they bring out the Pesach stuff (more of it every year, God forbid anyone should live 8 days without fake bread or soda) the day after Purim, as if Mrs. Ziegler with her 10 kids and 50 grandchildren is ready for Pesach foods on the 15th of Adar.

Sigh, commercialism.
I much prefer the acute lack of kosher foods I grew up with. Hey, no cavities! And yom tov is the opposite of commercial when you're one of the few in town celebrating it.

Linguini with Squash and Cauliflower Sauce

2008-04-07T22:17:00.004-04:00

I am a big fan of chef and restaurateur (amongst other things) Lidia Matticchio Bastianich. I caught one of her shows on PBS last Sunday and decided to try one of her recipe. I had never thought to combine squash with pasta, not to mention cauliflower with pasta, but it's a marvelous combination, helped in no small part by the crushed red pepper flakes (peperoncino). The original recipe calls for Fettuccine, but I'm trying to get rid of my chametz, so linguini it was. Quantities tentatively changed from 6 to 4 portions. I also omitted 4 tablespoons of capers.

1/4 cup extra-virgin olive oil

2 plump garlic cloves, crushed, peeled

1 small onion, thinly sliced

1 lb butternut squash, cut in 1/2" cubes

1 small cauliflower, cut in small florets (about 1-inch)

1 yablespoon sea salt or kosher salt or to taste, plus more for cooking pasta

1/2 teaspoon peperoncino flakes, or to taste

1 large can Italian plum tomatoes, preferably San Marzano, crushed by hand

1 pound [dry] fettuccine or bavette

1 cup freshly grated pecorino (or a spinkle of Parmiggiano)

DIRECTIONS:

Pour the olive oil into the big skillet and set over medium-high heat. Scatter in the sliced garlic and let it start sizzling. Stir in the onion slices and cook for a couple of minutes to wilt. Spill in all the cut squash and cauliflower pieces, salt and peperoncino on top and with tongs toss all together for a minute or so. Pour a cup of water into the skillet, cover tightly and steam the vegetables for 2 or 3 minutes, shaking the pan occasionally.

Pour in the crushed tomatoes along with a cup of water sloshed in the tomato containers. Stir well and cover. When the tomato juices are boiling, adjust the heat to keep them bubbling gently. Cook covered for about 10 minutes, stirring occasionally. When the vegetables are softened, uncover and continue cooking to reduce the pan juices to a good consistency for dressing the pasta, about 5 minutes. Adjust the seasoning to taste and keep at a low simmer.

While the sauce is cooking, heat the salted pasta cooking water to a rolling boil (at least 6 quarts water and a tablespoon salt) . Drop in the fettuccine or bavette and cook barely al dente. Lift them from the water, drain for a moment, then drop onto the simmering vegetables. Toss and cook all together for a couple of minutes, over moderate heat. Moisten the dish with pasta water if it seems dry; cook rapidly to reduce the juices if they're splashing in the skillet.

When the pasta is perfectly cooked and robed with sauce, turn off the heat. Sprinkle over the grated cheese, toss into the pasta and serve.

Newlyweds

2008-01-14T18:34:00.001-05:00

For some unexplainable reason I have become the lifeline for two recently married young women: a sister and a childhood friend. Having only been married a year and a half, I would hardly consider myself an expert on any topic relating to marriage or babies, but the phone has been ringing off the hook.

Day 1:
Sister: Hi Goofproofer, I'm making corn on the cob because A. loves it and he'll be home from work soon, how do I make it?
Me the chef: Cook it in a pot with plenty of water. Don't forget the salt.
Sister: But how long should I cook it for?
Me: Gosh, I don't know... let it come to a boil, then lower the flame only slightly, and check the corn after 30 minutes.
Sister: Thanks you so much! I don't know how to cook!
-------------
Friend: HI Goofproofer! Have you ever heard of a steak cooked in water and wine for three hours?
Me: No, I like mine done in 8 minutes...
Friend: Well, I decided to start making dinner. Yesterday, my mom helped me over the phone.
Me: (Thinking how to react...) Oh, cute... I mean, nice...
Friend: My husband had this steak at his friend's house once and he really liked it.
Me: Do you have a recipe?
Friend: Yes, but I was wondering if you'd heard of it. What can I do with potatoes?
Me: Cube them, dress with olive oil, salt, pepper and rosemary and bake at 400 F.
Friend: Oh, I love that! My mother makes it.
Me: Yep, I like that too.
Friend: Okay, so I'm cutting the potatoes, how small should I make the cubes?
Me: Not too small... as you like it, really...
Friend: What else should I make?
Me: A salad?
Friend: You're so good!
Me: ......

Day 2:

Sister: Goofproofer! We're in Sears! Is $700 a lot for a washing machine?
Me: Does it have a dryer?
Sister: No. The dryer is another $700.
Me: I think it's too much.
Sister: So it's too much?
Me: Listen, I don't know, I never bought a washing machine, but I think it should cost less, and you've only been married a week so maybe you should wait... you know what, why don't you call someone else who might know about the prices...
-------------
Friend: Goofproofer, where can I get a manicure? (she just moved here)
Me: Err... I wouldn't know.
Friend: You don't know???
Me: No, I don't get manicures.
Friend: Seriously?
Me: I don't sorry, I could look it up for you if you'd like...\
(I hang up feeling like a mud puddle at her feet for being so low maintenance. On second thought, what a JAP! Screw her).

The week After:

Friend: Where can I get a waxing?
Me: I don't know, sorry.
Friend: You don't wax?
Me: No, I don't get that much hair. Plus, I don't like having people do this stuff for me, it's awkward.
Friend (condescendingly) Wow, you must save your husband so much money! No manicure, no waxing...
(.....Grrrrrrrr.......)
-------------
Sister: Goofproofer, how do I make vegetable soup?
Me: Depends, there are many types of vegetable soup.
Sister: The normal kind! I chopped up the veggies, now what do I do?
Me: (inner sigh) Sautee half an onion, then add the veggies and water.
Sister: How much water?
Me: Hm... I don't know. Cover the veggies, then add a few centimeters.
Sister: And how should I spice it?
Me: Salt, pepper, garlic powder... do you have parsely and basil? Cayenne pepper?
Sister: No, I only have paprika.
Me: Ok, just a pinch of paprika, and the salt and pepper and garlic.
Sister: Thank you so much, I don't know how to cook!!! I'm also making salmon.
Me: Nice, how are you making it?
Sister: Other Sister told me to put soy sauce and ketchup on it.
Me: Uhm... why don't you try olive oil, a little vinegar, salt and pepper.
Sister: He doesn't like vinegar...
Me: Well salmon is tasty onm its own, you can just salt it and add a little oil and bake it for 25 minutes.
Sister: Ok, I'll try that next time.
-------------
Friend: Work is driving me crazy! Culd you look up such and such and email me the lists?
(Excuse meeeeee???)

Blogging Trends

2007-03-26T09:14:00.000-04:00

So a widely read blogger picks up a news item which most have already read in Newsweek, the NYT, the Jerusalem Post, Jewish Press, Jewish Week, etc.
He or she obviously credits the paper. Another blogger then picks up the blog post and duplicates it, crediting the original blogger as well as the paper. He or she then feels compelled to credit other bloggers who have re-posted the same news item on the same day, lest there be shouts of plagiarism (plagiarism? You didn't create the item, get over yourself!)
The item spreads like wildfire and everyone is blogging and commenting on it. Meanwhile, those who have already seen it in the papers just yawn and search for an original blogger for interesting reading.

A week passes (equivalent to a month in internet land?) and Jewish forums pick up on the news item. Members who have already seen it on blogs regurgitate old comments, and the chain grows longer.

The original blogger sits and basks in his or her glory, bearing the title of Original Poster or Original Blogger, having had the brilliant notion to copy a poorly written and badly researched article from an already widely read publication and bring it to the masses.

Ah, blogging.

Idiotic Co-Workers

2007-03-05T15:54:00.000-05:00

My supervisor, who is younger than me, is a self righteous idiot. We communicate mostly via email, and she doesn't know the simplest things such as basic HTML.
The latest back-n-forth nearly had me in tears... of frustration. All she proved was that she knows what Google is. I already found the information 20 minutes before, with more efficient use of the aforementioned search engine.

Die, and give me your salary.

Tips for Jewish Tourists

2007-01-31T11:28:00.000-05:00

The following addresses Jewish tourists of all denominations.

Going to Europe? Great! Good for you. You surely deserve a break. Here are a few useful tips. Please do not let anything get to you, it has already gotten to us. All that follows is based on actual facts.

1. Planning trips in advance is a great idea. Planning them 10 months in advance is a bit over the top, but hey, it’s your life. Mapping out your itinerary is commendable. Calling people at 4:30 AM in August to inquire about Kosher facilities for your February trip is strongly discouraged. Remember, there is a world outside Brooklyn and it has different time zones. Your evening is our [very, very] early morning and we’re tired. Thank you.

2. Some of you like to jump on a plane with no prior notice and land in exoticlandia with your backpack, ready to conquer a strange land with your globally renowned charm and wit and powerful dollar.
Ah the sweet spontaneity of youth. It’s great, you know, but please try not to call us 2 hours before the Seder, looking for a host for yourself and your five giggling JAPS friends. We love guests and so do other families, but food and table space are limited. We love you and care for you and you’re special because you’ve come ALL-THE-WAY-FROM-AMERICA! but there are hundreds of people just like you. We’d know, they call us all the time. And guess what, I came from America too but I still have to peel mountains of potatoes.

3. Rabbis have families.
Gasp! I know!
So if you’re stuck in the airport and have nowhere to go (whaddya mean, nowhere to go? Play tourist!) think twice before ringing our bell at 7:30 am because you need a place to daven. First of all, there are shuls. Second, sometimes the rabbi’s children come home for Pesach and some of them may be sleeping in the living room, so where do you want to don teffilin, in the kitchen? And that bell is annoyingly loud. Grumble.

4. The needs of the local community often come before the needs of the tourist. Sorry, that’s the reality. We’ll gladly advise you, but we can’t baby-sit you.

5. We will gladly answer questions about shul hours and locations, mikveh, kosher food, phone numbers of rabbis in adjacent cities. However, we cannot understand why someone would ask a rabbi for hotel recommendations and sightseeing tips. We have a typed list of hotels and youth hostels, but we can’t give you the exact rates, vacancies and cross streets. Nor could we spend the day on the phone explaining how to get to all the tourist spots. Call information, or look it up on the internet. One more thing: I don’t know if the main synagogue is north or south of your hotel. Cities here are a jumble of short streets and alleys and we don‘t carry a compass. You will find no North and South on street names. We won’t hang up on you if you ask all these strange questions, but think twice before doing so and buy a guidebook. Pretty please.

6. Don’t ask stupid questions.

7. Relatives and close friends get the special treatment of course, but if you are my father’s cousin’s neighbour’s teacher’s friend don’t expect us to move one of the kids to the sofa in order to accommodate you. The frum world has grown and we just cannot operate that way anymore. You’re welcome to come over for a meal or two or three, but we need our sleep too.

8. Kosher food is either nonexistent or expensive. When planning your trip, try to obtain a list of available foods in the countries you will be visiting (e.g. certain brands of Tuna fish) and bring some non-perishables like instant soups and pastas.

9. Taking pictures of/at famous spots: cool. Taking pictures without knowing what you’re looking at= not cool. Did you make the trip just so you could tell your friends you’ve been here, or do you actually want to learn something?

10. At the Shabbos tables, tourists often like to discuss the peculiarities of the country they are visiting. That’s perfectly fine, but please stop wrinkling your nose and proclaiming how ‘strange’ everything is. It’s not strange, it’s different. You can’t expect the whole world to look like Israel or America. And don’t expect to understand the natives. You’re here to have fun, don’t give us a thorough analysis of our country based on the work of a NYT correspondent. He died in in 1992. Yes, we read English. But we eat with our hands to entertain you and give you something to write home about.

11. Euros are expensive.

12. If you’re too broke to afford a Youth Hostel, don’t travel.

13. Don’t commit embarrassing indiscretions. The Jewish world is a small one. You know what I'm talking about.

There are many decent tourists whom we enjoy helping out. This tirade was obviously directed at the more demanding and troublesome visitors. Just remember that the world doesn’t revolve around you and your trip, and all will be fine.

Thanks.

Hidur Mitzvah or Exaggeration Central?

2007-01-30T10:29:00.000-05:00

Last week, a local mini-mart went from grocery+fruit store to Tu B'shvat Higia chag la'ilanot.
Half of the store was filled with dry fruit of all shapes and colors, a full two weeks before the 15th of Shvat, and I had to go elsewhere for some products.

I don't know how Tu B'shvat worked for you, but in my days we learned about the day, sang a few songs, planted a sappling in the school yard and had some dry apricots and raisins, then went on with our lives. In Israel I learned that people had a Seder Tu B'shvat with a variety of fruits, not too overblown.

Whenever I enter the mini-mart and see the abundance of strange fruit, I'm torn between two thoughts:

1. Isn't it nice how people use giant Menorahs on Chanukah and spend loads of money on exotic dried mangoes for Tu B'shvat? Maybe we should all try to aggrandize mitzvahs!

2. Who am I kidding, Hidur Mitzvah my foot. It's Brooklyn materialism at its best, my house is more bourgeois than yours, my menorah is bigger and my Tu B'shvat fruit more expensive. My store has 300 varieties of raisins, how about yours?

Living large in Switzerland

2007-01-16T15:54:00.000-05:00

I came across a compatriot's letter to a journalist. In the missive, he describes the way his friends live in Lucerne, Switzerland. Ready for the figures? Here they come.

The writer's friend is a 30 year old High School teacher who earns 10.000 Sfr* (6200 Euro, or 8002.34 USD) a month. This is considered an average salary.
His wife is a hospital doctor who earns around 20.000 sfr per month. The couple enjoys a high quality of life in Lucerne: their monthly expenses total about 5,000 sfr, spent in this fashion (amounts refer to Swiss francs):

1400 for a 5 room apartment (that's not counting the bathrooms and kitchen), 150 for maintenance, electricity and phone (there is no gas), 600 for food etc, 800 for restaurants and cinema (at least twice a week), 300 for clothing.
We're up to 3250. The remaining 1750 include various expenses such as car insurance, gas, the gym, tennis club, two yearly trips, gifts, etc.
In short, the Swiss couple does not lack anything in life, yet these two manage to save about 25,000 sfr a month! That makes 186,000 sfr a year in savings. (Convert)

Are you moving yet?

*Also known as CHF

Measures and weights

2007-01-14T20:59:00.000-05:00

That time of year has arrived, when one has no choice but go shop. After navigating the multicultural, dense, unwashed biomass otherwise known as your local Shoprite on Sunday at last the cashier was in sight and all eight hundred ninety seven and a half items are sticking out of all orifices in the shopping cart.

Beady-eyed, patently indifferent store clerk starts scanning in the agriculturals, probably thinking how these people are preparing to spend the rest of the decade in a nuclear fallout shelter, cut off from all civilization. As she swings those bags left and right, all beeping and flashing and blinking like a NORAD situation room, my antenna tells me that something is wrong. Not sure what or how yet, but the number stream just doesn't make sense.

Aha, I say. Are those onions ? -- Why yes, they are ! -- The Chilean Sweet Obscenely Mutated ones ? -- Yup, that's them.

At that point, I had to rehash my memories. I wasn't quite sure if even fertile Chilean soil was capable of producing onions that weigh in excess of a pound. She brings over the manager. I propose calling the Guinness Book of Records, and probably someone with a Geiger counter as well - as we all know, pound-onions are a staple food of the Hulk. After much whining, manager is persuaded to reweigh the bloody thing. And lo and behold - different scale reports only a half of proposed mass.

Long story short, the salesgirl had her umbrella hanging on the scales. It will take a full blown audit from Deloitte and Touche to find out how much exactly of their quarterly earning this girls umbrella was responsible for. And we had to rescan every darn item. But at least this check did not exceed the gross national product of Mozambique.

It appears that...

2007-01-14T19:17:00.000-05:00

...more and more people are coming to realize that there is a very well balanced middle ground. All I can say is.... doh?

New York, New York

2007-01-12T09:55:00.000-05:00

What makes NYC ugly is the windows. Apartment buildings and Brooklyn homes would look so much nicer with these:

As opposed to these monstrosities:
These space-saving excuses for portals to the world are not even sealed well. In my previous apartment I was forced to cover the interior of the windows with plastic sheeting sealed with clear tape, in order to avoid the cold drafts. Even with the heat on at full force, one cannot escape the wrath of the NY window.
Now, in our 6th floor bedroom, an icy draft blows onto the beds. I am reluctant to repeat the plastic sheet process, because we do occasionally need fresh air.

However, things get really bad at night when for some reason the heat is off. Yes, off. Don't sleeping people need heat? What about people like me who get up a few times throughout the night and nearly freeze to death just going to the bathroom at 4 am? What if there are people in the building who work at night? Or old people who start the day bright and early at 3:30 am?

Tsk, progress.

Jewish Blogs, Promoters of Ill Will

2007-01-11T13:17:00.000-05:00

Why is it that 90% of Jewish blogs have such a negative tone to them? We're all tired of hearing that bad news sells the papers, but alas, the expression still holds true.
It's good that issues are discovered and dealt with, I just can't bear it when things are blown out of proportion, usually by renegades but not always.

Anybody who has been or has known the subject of a news story knows to what degree the facts are often distorted, stretched, even falsified. Once the entire media world picks up on an occurrence and misrepresents it, you know never to trust the news outlets. That's where the exploding world of bloggers came in, it all seemed so idyllic, until bitterness took over.

There are plenty of interesting bloggers who try to present accurate facts and analysis of them. There are honest political, linguistic or Torah-related bloggers who don't get too mixed up in the pettiness blogging sometimes carries with it. Sadly though, the majority of Jewish bloggers seem inclined to denigrate, and this small percentage of the Jewish population represents Judaism to many of those who only learn about us through online interaction.

Things often sound so much worse on paper. An example is the chassidic world which is very often criticized; readers probably imagine neighborhoods full of people with grim long faces, black and white lives, curtailed childhoods. The truth is usually the opposite, proof of a couple of unsatisfied residents shouldn't blind one to the fact that there are plenty of smiling, giggling, colorful chassidim about.

Another matter I've noticed is the way people who belong to one group within Judaism often criticize all groups which they disagree with or even strongly despise, however they will not tolerate criticism of their own. An example is Chabad: criticism of this movement is live and loud, you will find something nearly every day of the week, but when a Chabadnik tentatively attempts to criticize or analyze the Litvish world, woe unto him or her, commenters immediately attempt to shush the blogger, they viciously write that the Chabadnik has no right to do this. Logic?

There are many problems in the real world, but not all are as prevalent as the bloggers try to make them sound. Coming from a non religious town, I wish I could grab some of the bloggers who live in frum communities and tell them how lucky they are, how ungrateful they are for all they have. They don't realize how much has been given to them, what they were born into, and how much potential they have to rectify problems. It breaks my heart sometimes.

This is why I should stop checking JRants.

Brooklyn Brilliance

2006-11-05T00:37:00.000-05:00

Due to unclear circumstances, I was stuck listening to a 50 year old BP woman ramble about Kamut and spelt flours. She didn't really know what she was talking about, but felt like she was following a cool trend

Woman: "So, does your mother like health food?"
Me: "Err, well, not really, where she lives she just buys what she can get"
(my mother lives in Europe)
Woman: "Really...what do you mean...? I'm Sure she can get OU products in stores there".
Me, trying not to betray shock: "Nope. The OU is mainly an American project. There aren't that many hechsherim in Europe, it depends on the country. France and England have some".

Woman blinks a few times, realizes this is too much for her to absorb, and moves on to the next question.

Woman: What do they say there, you know, about America?
Me: They don't like it these days. You know, Iraq...they're all antiwar.
Woman: Oh. But what I mean is... do they all talk about wanting to come to America?
Me, inwardly laughing at the fact that the woman is stuck in 1890: Well, some of them visit NY and like it, but mostly it's the Americans who come tour our country. They come in millions.
Woman: Because life here is so good, we have everything, it's the best place for Jews and the biggest, outside Israel. We have everything we need.
Me: Yes you do, but it's not only about that, it's also about the mentality. Americans, and NY'ers in particular, have a unique mentality... (at this point I notice I am losing her, and switch the conversation back to recipes).

Hell In Brooklyn...

2006-10-04T18:39:00.000-04:00

...is the Atlantic-Pacific Aves. subway station. Take my word for it. Do not attempt when leg is in pain and fine sheitel is on head*.

*It's hot under those wigs, OK?

Public Service Advisory

2006-09-28T15:30:00.000-04:00

How to steal women's handbags:

Ladies rooms in public places such as movie theatres provide a nifty contraption called a hook. This hook is located on the inner side of the stall door. It is usually conveniently placed up high, close to the top of the door and the large gap between door and ceiling.
Women will usually enter the stall, hang their bags on the hook, and proceed to take care of business.

Need I say more?

Silent Night

2006-09-14T05:40:00.000-04:00

You wake at 3:00 AM. You stumble into the WC sans glasses, knowing you'll only be a few seconds. You're at your most vulnerable when a little dark mouse panickingly streaks past you. A mouse! Your unbespectacled eyesight is terrible, but you know that what you have seen is the first post-marriage mouse ever. For 3 months, you haven't spotted anything larger than a miniscule roach, and you thought you had landed the only rodent-free apartment building in Brooklyn.
Ha!

So there you are, standing on the toilet lid (after having torn down the paper holder in the scramble), watching the mouse as it runs from wall to wall. You open the door, hoping it will leave. No such luck. The little rodent hides behind a black plastic bag. You hurredly put yourself together, then leap out the door and slam it behind you, even though there's enough room under the door for the mouse to pass under.

You tiptoe into the room and peek at Mad Hatter.
"You up?" You ask, fully aware of the fact that the door slam has woken him.
"Hmm?"..."There's a mouse in the bathroom!" You kindly inform him.
Poor husband gets up, ready to catch the mouse with his bare hands.
He returns after a minute or two. "It's not there anymore".

You apologize, and try to go back to sleep. But sleep eludes you, as you worry about having a mouse in the house. The antibiotics are probably keeping you awake, as well.
Then comes the rain, pounding on the AC, and after 90 minutes of sleepless agony you grab your laptop, move to the dining room table, and do some online work.

6:00 AM and all is quite on the Eastern front.

Chicken !

2006-09-06T21:18:00.000-04:00

I have landed meself the one of the best cooks within a 20,000 mile radius. I promise that once TOIP becomes reality (Taste Over IP, for the uninitiated) I will share with you bits of this sumptuos delectability that I'll freeze in a cryochamber. For now, just think of tarragon and roasted vegetables risotto with an ideally roasted hen in a cabernet-infused batter.

Oh, shut up already...

2006-09-06T11:43:00.000-04:00

What's all the hype over Tom Cruise's baby? She's healthy, she has an odd name, next.
I'm far more interested in real people like Natascha Kampusch, who will be interviewed on Austrian TV this evening...
(Is there no word for 'interview' in Deutsch)?

The Man I Married

2006-08-31T18:11:00.000-04:00

Is awesome.

Now you know.

Snakes on the Plane

2006-08-29T13:13:00.000-04:00

I truly can not fathom, why on Earth would someone not want to witness that masterpiece ! Was it something I did ?

Sleep

2006-08-25T10:19:00.000-04:00

I've long had a hate-hate relationship with sleep, shuteye, slumber, sommeil. It's been attributed to the nerves which run in my father's side of the family. Nerves= staying alert= caffeine buzz= tense muscles= tense brain= OMG it's already 7 AM it's SO LATE!

I don't really have a caffeine buzz anymore. I've cut down to ONE ESPRESSO A DAY. One Espresso! And to think I used to overdose on coffee like Africa was going out of business. I'm also careful not to have anything that contains caffeine after 5 or 6 PM.

It's a family curse, though I do have siblings that manage to snore their way through an entire morning WITHOUT FEELING GUILTY ABOUT IT.

My father wakes up at 5:30, my mother at 6:00. In camp, school and later in apartments, I was always the first one up. Countless hours were spent waiting for everyone else to catch up with me, after I had showered, cleaned the kitchen, finished 2 books and conquered a country.

I go to bed hoping to 'sleep in' the next morning, but it never happens. I refuse to touch sleeping pills. I did try them the summer I was 17, but they were probably placebos.
I don't sleep much, so the little slumber I get is PRECIOUS. Disturbers are roasted and eaten alive.

Because my nerves are always alert and at attention, I have a hard time FALLING ASLEEP. I can't sleep if there is light, noise, a faucet drip, a thick pillow, or if someone is whispering in India.
I wake up when people walk in. My body tenses and won't let go until the people walk out. Allow another 45 minutes for sleep to set in once again.

This sleep ordeal of mine is hard on other people. My poor husband must endure my biweekly whining: 'Could you PLEASE get up when your alarm rings? I automatically get up and out of bed and cannot fall asleep again while you continue to snore contently for another hour. LIFE IS NOT FAIR!'
It's not his fault. It's those frail nerves of mine.

Non-existent patterns

2006-08-16T15:21:00.000-04:00

On the screen - "WTC" By Oliver Stone
In the news - "Authorities foiled 9/11-style plot to destroy ten civilian airplanes with liquid exposives"

On the screen - "Snakes on the Plane"
In the news - "Fighter jets escorted a diverted London-to-Washington, DC, flight to Boston's Logan airport on Wednesday after a distraught passenger apparently pulled out a screwdriver, matches, Vaseline and a note referencing al-Qaida"

There can't be a pattern here.

The Manhattan Zoo, AKA the DMV

2006-08-16T15:19:00.000-04:00

I derived much satisfaction from the scene observed at the 34th St. DMV: people of all colors, social scenes, moral and religious creeds forced to stand in line, or sit on a wooden bench waiting for the right number to flash across the billboard.
Even to *gasp* sit at a school desk and mark little letters with real pencils.
Which begs the question: do politicos and celebrities do their own DMV'ing?

Baker or not ...

2006-08-14T09:18:00.000-04:00

... but she is a surprisingly good shot. I wouldn't want to be on the other side of trenches. Now I'm have to get some body armor.

The Descent

2006-08-13T01:49:00.000-04:00

Don't-go-to-see-it.
Never-pay-attention-to-reviews.
Always-trust-your-wife's-instincts.

A Baker she is not

2006-08-11T17:31:00.000-04:00

I will never make it into the Baker's Society. Try as I might, my efforts will never again yield anything quite as good as those white cookies I sold to my brother's friends the summer I was 11.
I manage quite well on the stovetop, but unter-ventures have so far produced rock hard focaccia, flat Challah and rubbery cookies (I did get the Challah right one week...)
My talented sister's baking skills are sorely missed.

Does your wife ...

2006-08-07T16:12:00.000-04:00

... thank you full heartedly even when your concoction du jour sucks ?
... do heaps of laundry three times her own size, rain or shine, at risk of being bitten by a particularly rabid neighbor ?
... INSIST on doing the dishes ?
... keep kitchen surgically spotless in spite that 98% of mess is of your creation ?
... look beautiful one hundred percent of the time ?

Does Your Husband...

2006-08-06T21:30:00.000-04:00

...cook for you delicious beef or lamb based dinners?
...complete with fried mushrooms which he knows you adore?
...and a nice red Tuscan wine?
...often?

Duped

2006-08-03T11:46:00.000-04:00

What they don't tell you when you're about to rent a top floor apartment in an old Brooklyn building: very, very hot. Very bad idea. Tar roof= heat. Apartment= oven.

The heat turns out to be unbearable, forcing you to leave the A/C on all day long, and blow a fuse. Of course, as a practical couple you only have one working A/C, so you are limited to the bedroom. Could have rented a studio!
Oh, I'm not complaining; another A/C would translate as a higher bill of course. I just wish we knew about the whole roof=heat situation before laying down the deposit.

Give me Vegetables

2006-07-31T16:56:00.000-04:00

I can't claim to know the first thing about farming and fruit & vegetable growing, but I do know that whatever it is they're doing to my precious greens, it leaves them with little to no taste.
Note to the source: I don't care if the apple is not round or shiny enough, ok? I want it to taste like a fresh, juicy, succulent apple. I don't care if the lettuce is not in a sealed bag and, I want it to be of a deep green color, and I'll deal with the bugs, thank you.
Why don't they have open air markets in every neighbourhood of every US city? Why must we purchase fake vegetables in a grocery store?
I really miss Evropa.

Would you rather....

2006-07-26T09:07:00.000-04:00

...deal with the complications of trying to figure out your insurance coverage (what am I, an accountant?) and trying to remember everyone's information , not to mention watching Dental Assistants mess up the calculations and explain everything to you as if you understand...

...Or wait 2 months to see a doctor through the socialized health system?

Eternal Bookathon

2006-07-25T09:16:00.000-04:00

The next best thing to being a book lover is being married to one.
We enter a thrift store expecting to purchase a certain item, and leave with an armful of books. Time to kill in the City? We head to The Strand and voila', another armful.
And what books! The older and the odder, the better (a 1946 edition on copywriting? Extremely important to have around! The 'Last Time When' almanac, 1982? Must buy).
We will soon own a monster library. And he collects dictionaries, it really doesn't get any better for moi the word lover.
I married him for his books.
All right, all right, he's cute, too.

Guide to product freshness

2006-07-24T18:00:00.000-04:00

When shipped directly from the source, newly acquired wives tend to harbor certain preconceived notions about origins of edible species, their wherewithals and other existential dilemmas. If you happen to face such issues, there is no need to call support and demand your warranty ! Simply, be a tourguide into the joys of modern food industry for a day - it's fun for you and your mate-to-be-till-the-end-of-days.

1. Belief number one - regarding fruit and vegetables that very honestly say "fresh" on the pricesticker. This belief will manifest itself as a strong lack of desire to purchase said good on times like Motzei Shabbos. Potential consumer may say something to the tune of "but they are from Friday". Good News : if they are from Friday, it's probably Friday the 13th in 2004. In the old country, of course, peaches and apricots were flown in daily by a specially designated Cessna, to meet their distinguished consumers. Nowadays, it is more likely that this very peach was harvested in Georgia a good two or three months ago and left to ripen in the box, thus the twenty-six hour period does not really make them much "less fresh"

2. Belief number two - To Be Continued

Dishwashing and the Male Species

2006-07-24T17:27:00.000-04:00

Man and woman are created equal, which is why women know exactly how to tackle a sink full of dishes, while men can't figure out where the faucet is. Never fear, The Guide is here.

If, like me, you happen to have a very helpful husband, you might want to read along and see what to expect on the short journey from clumsy-guy to Perfect HouseHusband.

Episode #1: Man locates plate. Man turns on cold water. Man runs plate under water and places wet plate in cabinet.

Intervention: Woman pours dishwashing liquid on to sponge, and hands sponge to Man.

Episode #2: Man accepts sponge. Man holds sponge in right hand, then takes spoon in left and proceeds to rub spoon on dormant sponge.

Intervention: Woman shows man how to rub sponge on utensil, and not viceversa.

Episode #3: Man rinses soapy spoon, and places it in drawer (possible inquiry as to nature of utensil- meat or dairy?).

Intervention: Woman removes wet spoon, and puts it on sparkling new Drying Rack.

Man will learn in no time at all.
Do try this at home, it's actually quite funny and I now have a very handy and helpful Hubby.

And there was much rejoicing

2006-07-24T16:44:00.000-04:00

This day, Day Twentie Fourth of July, Year 2006, for reasons unbeknownst we decided to shine upon the Internets the Word which is better than everyone else's.