Monday, January 14, 2008


For some unexplainable reason I have become the lifeline for two recently married young women: a sister and a childhood friend. Having only been married a year and a half, I would hardly consider myself an expert on any topic relating to marriage or babies, but the phone has been ringing off the hook.

Day 1:
Sister: Hi Goofproofer, I'm making corn on the cob because A. loves it and he'll be home from work soon, how do I make it?
Me the chef: Cook it in a pot with plenty of water. Don't forget the salt.
Sister: But how long should I cook it for?
Me: Gosh, I don't know... let it come to a boil, then lower the flame only slightly, and check the corn after 30 minutes.
Sister: Thanks you so much! I don't know how to cook!
Friend: HI Goofproofer! Have you ever heard of a steak cooked in water and wine for three hours?
Me: No, I like mine done in 8 minutes...
Friend: Well, I decided to start making dinner. Yesterday, my mom helped me over the phone.
Me: (Thinking how to react...) Oh, cute... I mean, nice...
Friend: My husband had this steak at his friend's house once and he really liked it.
Me: Do you have a recipe?
Friend: Yes, but I was wondering if you'd heard of it. What can I do with potatoes?
Me: Cube them, dress with olive oil, salt, pepper and rosemary and bake at 400 F.
Friend: Oh, I love that! My mother makes it.
Me: Yep, I like that too.
Friend: Okay, so I'm cutting the potatoes, how small should I make the cubes?
Me: Not too small... as you like it, really...
Friend: What else should I make?
Me: A salad?
Friend: You're so good!
Me: ......

Day 2:

Sister: Goofproofer! We're in Sears! Is $700 a lot for a washing machine?
Me: Does it have a dryer?
Sister: No. The dryer is another $700.
Me: I think it's too much.
Sister: So it's too much?
Me: Listen, I don't know, I never bought a washing machine, but I think it should cost less, and you've only been married a week so maybe you should wait... you know what, why don't you call someone else who might know about the prices...
Friend: Goofproofer, where can I get a manicure? (she just moved here)
Me: Err... I wouldn't know.
Friend: You don't know???
Me: No, I don't get manicures.
Friend: Seriously?
Me: I don't sorry, I could look it up for you if you'd like...\
(I hang up feeling like a mud puddle at her feet for being so low maintenance. On second thought, what a JAP! Screw her).

The week After:

Friend: Where can I get a waxing?
Me: I don't know, sorry.
Friend: You don't wax?
Me: No, I don't get that much hair. Plus, I don't like having people do this stuff for me, it's awkward.
Friend (condescendingly) Wow, you must save your husband so much money! No manicure, no waxing...
Sister: Goofproofer, how do I make vegetable soup?
Me: Depends, there are many types of vegetable soup.
Sister: The normal kind! I chopped up the veggies, now what do I do?
Me: (inner sigh) Sautee half an onion, then add the veggies and water.
Sister: How much water?
Me: Hm... I don't know. Cover the veggies, then add a few centimeters.
Sister: And how should I spice it?
Me: Salt, pepper, garlic powder... do you have parsely and basil? Cayenne pepper?
Sister: No, I only have paprika.
Me: Ok, just a pinch of paprika, and the salt and pepper and garlic.
Sister: Thank you so much, I don't know how to cook!!! I'm also making salmon.
Me: Nice, how are you making it?
Sister: Other Sister told me to put soy sauce and ketchup on it.
Me: Uhm... why don't you try olive oil, a little vinegar, salt and pepper.
Sister: He doesn't like vinegar...
Me: Well salmon is tasty onm its own, you can just salt it and add a little oil and bake it for 25 minutes.
Sister: Ok, I'll try that next time.
Friend: Work is driving me crazy! Culd you look up such and such and email me the lists?
(Excuse meeeeee???)

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